I’m so tired and unmotivated today. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m positive she’ll up my dose of Abilify, because that’s what she had planned anyway. And as it turns out, that’s what I seem to need. The lowest dose of it is still helping a bit but has worn off significantly.
I am just dead from applying to job after job and not getting the results I want. This guy at a small marketing company was supposed to schedule me for a second interview but hasn’t done so yet, to the point where I want to email him about it. I know exactly what I want, I really don’t ask for much as far as pay and benefits, but I just can’t get it. I’m stuck yet again and I’m sick of being stuck. It’s easy to feel very hopeful at the start, but once a few weeks go by of constantly checking your emails and not getting what you’re waiting for, and once your checking account is completely empty, you don’t feel the hope anymore. And I’m sure people would tell me, well you need to get some job at a restaurant in the meantime. Well my husband doesn’t want me to and he believes I will get the job I deserve soon enough.
Lately I’ve had three ducks kind of in a row, and I need more ducks. I had a phone interview yesterday for an administrative assistant position at a video company, but I won’t hear back till after Thanksgiving. And I have an interview today for a very temporary position, filling in for someone on leave, but my mom doesn’t approve of the location of the job. I feel like my mom shouldn’t be able to tell me what I can and cannot do at this point. I don’t live with her, I’m not dependent on her. So why does she think she can tell me I can’t take a temp job based on the location? I mean, I’m not stoked about the temp job, but it would give me valuable experience and money in my checking account that I desperately need. Of course, it would be much more ideal to be offered a permanent job somewhere, but I’m in a crappy situation where I have to take what I can get. If I have to go too many more weeks unemployed, I will go crazy.
Finding a good position after the last agency I worked for went under has been the most difficult task I’ve ever had. It is extremely discouraging. I need some good news soon or I can see myself sinking into horrible depression again. Good thing I have my appointment tomorrow, a raise in my Abilify might be the only thing I’ll have going for me.
Hi loves. So, I am still jobless. But I’ve sent out a ton of applications last week so I’m hoping I get some hopeful prospects soon. I can’t count on it though. This is tough, but I’m handling it as best I can.
I’ve been wanting to write a post about my plans to take my life back from depression. Depression has utterly robbed me the past few years, but Abilify has been helping me immensely. I haven’t been sleeping nearly as much, I’ve had much more motivation, and I’ve been interested in things again. I’ve been reading poetry again, playing the piano again, and am more optimistic about making friends in the future.
So, here are my “plans”:
Start seeing a therapist
Get a gym membership again, with my husband
Take voice lessons, which I haven’t done since early college; then find a singing group to join. Voila! A social hobby!
So, yeah, that’s only three things. Therapist, gym, singing.
Here’s the problem, though. I really need a job in order to pay for the therapist and voice lessons. My husband will pay for the gym, and we’re planning to start that in just a few days at the beginning of November. But I can’t have him pay for my therapist and voice lessons! We have quite a few large costs coming up in November. We have to renew our renter’s insurance, I have to start paying off my student loans for that semester of grad school, we both have somewhat large credit card bills that need paying, and something else I don’t remember. Anyway, November seems to not be the optimal month to start paying for extra self-care things. Unless I do land a good job! Even so, I can wait until December to start therapy and voice lessons. Fortunately, even without Abilify, winter doesn’t scare me like it does other people. I don’t think my depression is seasonal at all. I enjoy the dark, because I can use my lamps more.
So, I just paid to renew my domain name and premium WordPress features. I wasn’t sure if I would, because I’m running short of money, but I decided what the hell. I’m not exactly proud of this blog, because I … Continue reading →
2018 really hasn’t been good at all. Which sucks, because it’s my first year of marriage, but as I was saying in June, it’s not my marriage that sucks. In fact, the marriage is like, the only thing I have … Continue reading →
I just feel the need to write about how depressed I’ve been lately, otherwise I’ll end up writing about it on Facebook. I told my mom I hate my life, and she said “You can’t hate your life, you’re a … Continue reading →
Depression is in my brain. For a whole year I’ve been in a depression that is somewhat invisible and that I cannot rationalize a reason for. What changed that could have caused a year of depression? My hair color? My boyfriend (now fiancé) moving in? Moving from my second floor room to a third floor room? Not being as obsessed with Oliver Reed films? I don’t think there is a true reason for it!
I don’t typically act depressed, I just am. I can’t even call it a bipolar depression spell or episode– it’s just a depression state. And it’s not called melancholy because there’s no romanticism in it, no beauty to go with the word.
The depression seems absent much of the time, yet it is always there. And I know it is there because of how my brain reacts when I want to find some magic in it. I know I have happiness down in my heart, but my brain has too much crud in it. Many people might not recognize that I am depressed, but it’s there in my brain telling me I’m not good enough. My brain makes me tired and weighs my spirit down.
So is this a good excuse for not writing like I love to do? I’ve been in a different place and I wish I knew why.
Was not sure if I would write today, because I’m not letting myself feel nice consistently. Here’s what I’ve looked like this morning: “Weather is nice this morning. Fall is coming. I feel pretty good…” “Might as … Continue reading →