Depression is in my brain. For a whole year I’ve been in a depression that is somewhat invisible and that I cannot rationalize a reason for. What changed that could have caused a year of depression? My hair color? My boyfriend (now fiancé) moving in? Moving from my second floor room to a third floor room? Not being as obsessed with Oliver Reed films? I don’t think there is a true reason for it!
I don’t typically act depressed, I just am. I can’t even call it a bipolar depression spell or episode– it’s just a depression state. And it’s not called melancholy because there’s no romanticism in it, no beauty to go with the word.
The depression seems absent much of the time, yet it is always there. And I know it is there because of how my brain reacts when I want to find some magic in it. I know I have happiness down in my heart, but my brain has too much crud in it. Many people might not recognize that I am depressed, but it’s there in my brain telling me I’m not good enough. My brain makes me tired and weighs my spirit down.
So is this a good excuse for not writing like I love to do? I’ve been in a different place and I wish I knew why.
Was not sure if I would write today, because I’m not letting myself feel nice consistently. Here’s what I’ve looked like this morning: “Weather is nice this morning. Fall is coming. I feel pretty good…” “Might as … Continue reading →
Came upon a post by Lazarus and Lithium (thanks to blahpolar) informing me that today is World Bipolar Day. I filled out this questionnaire about my life with bipolar disorder, and encourage others to give it a go as well. 1. … Continue reading →
Wrote this in the morning after not much sleep: Insomnia sucks, but at least when I can’t sleep it means that my brain is very active, which means that I am particularly creative. But creative at a very fast pace, … Continue reading →
God doesn’t want me to have friends, he just wants me to have people who keep me at a safe distance or have me in small samplings. I’m a normal, good person. It’s frustrating to feel like a character in … Continue reading →
If you didn’t notice, I use the Oxford comma. I am a big fan of the Oxford comma. I do not comprehend why people think that discarding the Oxford comma is okay. The omission is nonsensical, rhythmically disruptive, and aesthetically … Continue reading →