A Year of Being Down

Depression is in my brain. For a whole year I’ve been in a depression that is somewhat invisible and that I cannot rationalize a reason for. What changed that could have caused a year of depression? My hair color? My boyfriend (now fiancé) moving in? Moving from my second floor room to a third floor room? Not being as obsessed with Oliver Reed films? I don’t think there is a true reason for it!

I don’t typically act depressed, I just am. I can’t even call it a bipolar depression spell or episode– it’s just a depression state. And it’s not called melancholy because there’s no romanticism in it, no beauty to go with the word.

The depression seems absent much of the time, yet it is always there. And I know it is there because of how my brain reacts when I want to find some magic in it. I know I have happiness down in my heart, but my brain has too much crud in it. Many people might not recognize that I am depressed, but it’s there in my brain telling me I’m not good enough. My brain makes me tired and weighs my spirit down.

So is this a good excuse for not writing like I love to do? I’ve been in a different place and I wish I knew why.

My Pale Skin – Atelophobia

Was not sure if I would write today, because I’m not letting myself feel nice consistently. Here’s what I’ve looked like this morning: “Weather is nice this morning. Fall is coming. I feel pretty good…”       “Might as … Continue reading

Chaos, Control. Chaos, Control.

Deep breaths…you’re okay…you’re in control… https://www.youtube.com/embed/BjwiachXkjc“>http:// You’re less than six degrees of separation away from Ethan Hawke…because you met him at your street’s block party. No lie, I honestly met Ethan Hawke at my street’s block party. He was chilling … Continue reading

World Bipolar Day – All the Pretty Colors

Came upon a post by Lazarus and Lithium (thanks to blahpolar) informing me that today is World Bipolar Day. I filled out this questionnaire about my life with bipolar disorder, and encourage others to give it a go as well. 1. … Continue reading