I just realized that I only wrote two posts in 2016. Wow. Honestly I think I felt so empty, depressed, and unable to focus. I can’t even describe the year 2016, for multiple reasons. 1. My lack of focus and … Continue reading
Hello mates, let’s see if I can get through writing a post for once. First off, I haven’t had any productive hypomania for months and months. It mostly gives me feelings of anxiety in my stomach, and involves not being … Continue reading
Depression is in my brain. For a whole year I’ve been in a depression that is somewhat invisible and that I cannot rationalize a reason for. What changed that could have caused a year of depression? My hair color? My boyfriend (now fiancé) moving in? Moving from my second floor room to a third floor room? Not being as obsessed with Oliver Reed films? I don’t think there is a true reason for it!
I don’t typically act depressed, I just am. I can’t even call it a bipolar depression spell or episode– it’s just a depression state. And it’s not called melancholy because there’s no romanticism in it, no beauty to go with the word.
The depression seems absent much of the time, yet it is always there. And I know it is there because of how my brain reacts when I want to find some magic in it. I know I have happiness down in my heart, but my brain has too much crud in it. Many people might not recognize that I am depressed, but it’s there in my brain telling me I’m not good enough. My brain makes me tired and weighs my spirit down.
So is this a good excuse for not writing like I love to do? I’ve been in a different place and I wish I knew why.
It would kind of be a shame if I can’t get to sleep tonight, but not too shameful since tomorrow is Sunday and I haven’t been a church-goer for 8 months. Seeing as we (boyfriend and I) accomplished quite a … Continue reading
Well at least, the birth control I’m taking might be evil. It’s Microgestin, in case anyone was curious. I started it in September, and I think it might have spoiled my October. Curses! I have no proof that this medication … Continue reading
And when I say gloom, I’m not wanting to evoke Halloweenish things like bellowing ghosts in graveyards, black cats crossing an empty street at night, giant jack-o-lanterns eating an entire village, etc. etc. That would be too happy for me … Continue reading
Was not sure if I would write today, because I’m not letting myself feel nice consistently. Here’s what I’ve looked like this morning: “Weather is nice this morning. Fall is coming. I feel pretty good…” “Might as … Continue reading