Still Depressed…

2018 really hasn’t been good at all. Which sucks, because it’s my first year of marriage, but as I was saying in June, it’s not my marriage that sucks. In fact, the marriage is like, the only thing I have going for me. My husband has been supporting me emotionally and financially this year, that’s for sure. I have some of my own money that I spend, but he really takes the burden of supporting us and is, for the most part, happy to do it. Sure he would appreciate if I could contribute more, but he always assures me that he thinks of us as one entity and I shouldn’t feel guilty.

But I do feel guilty, because I suck. I suck because I quit my food service job in July thinking I was going to make decent money doing freelance video editing. It showed some promise at first, but it looks like it’s going to be a bust. I’m running out of my own personal money, I really want to be able to contribute to our living costs, and I’m not finding a job fast enough. I’m so hopeless that the recruiting agency that was supposed to help me, straight up ghosted me. Won’t return my calls or emails. How bullshit is that?

I know these things take time, but I’ve been trying to land a good job for over a year now, since July 2017. It’s just not happening, and I feel very angry over it. My husband says I need to try a bit harder.

And I still feel sucky because I spent a semester in grad school and changed my mind about it. Like, who the fuck does that? I see so many friends go on to grad school and actually finish, because they fucking know what they want to do. And I just, don’t know. And that sucks of me.

Oh, and since my last post in June, I got into TWO car accidents. TWO. I don’t even want to talk about it, I get so angry. Like, seriously? Unable to find a job, unable to drive a car, unable to make up my mind about school and careers, unable to do shit.

And let’s cap it off with, I don’t have a social life. Made zero social progress in 2018. There are many reasons for that, and I don’t want to go into it right now. Sure, a lot of it is my fault for lack of motivation, but I end up just concluding that I am an all-time sucky human being and people don’t like me.  Am I probably irrational? Yes, most likely. But I have my reasons. People have really hurt me more than they’ll know.

You have no idea how much I want to get my life together, but it’s as if God is not letting it happen for me. I don’t have suicidal ideations like I was having in June, but I’m afraid of running into more hopelessness and self-hatred.

Yes, I am medicated; and yes, I have a psychiatrist.

A Year of Being Down

Depression is in my brain. For a whole year I’ve been in a depression that is somewhat invisible and that I cannot rationalize a reason for. What changed that could have caused a year of depression? My hair color? My boyfriend (now fiancé) moving in? Moving from my second floor room to a third floor room? Not being as obsessed with Oliver Reed films? I don’t think there is a true reason for it!

I don’t typically act depressed, I just am. I can’t even call it a bipolar depression spell or episode– it’s just a depression state. And it’s not called melancholy because there’s no romanticism in it, no beauty to go with the word.

The depression seems absent much of the time, yet it is always there. And I know it is there because of how my brain reacts when I want to find some magic in it. I know I have happiness down in my heart, but my brain has too much crud in it. Many people might not recognize that I am depressed, but it’s there in my brain telling me I’m not good enough. My brain makes me tired and weighs my spirit down.

So is this a good excuse for not writing like I love to do? I’ve been in a different place and I wish I knew why.

Birth Control Might Be Evil

Well at least, the birth control I’m taking might be evil. It’s Microgestin, in case anyone was curious. I started it in September, and I think it might have spoiled my October. Curses! I have no proof that this medication … Continue reading