Depression is in my brain. For a whole year I’ve been in a depression that is somewhat invisible and that I cannot rationalize a reason for. What changed that could have caused a year of depression? My hair color? My boyfriend (now fiancé) moving in? Moving from my second floor room to a third floor room? Not being as obsessed with Oliver Reed films? I don’t think there is a true reason for it!
I don’t typically act depressed, I just am. I can’t even call it a bipolar depression spell or episode– it’s just a depression state. And it’s not called melancholy because there’s no romanticism in it, no beauty to go with the word.
The depression seems absent much of the time, yet it is always there. And I know it is there because of how my brain reacts when I want to find some magic in it. I know I have happiness down in my heart, but my brain has too much crud in it. Many people might not recognize that I am depressed, but it’s there in my brain telling me I’m not good enough. My brain makes me tired and weighs my spirit down.
So is this a good excuse for not writing like I love to do? I’ve been in a different place and I wish I knew why.
It would kind of be a shame if I can’t get to sleep tonight, but not too shameful since tomorrow is Sunday and I haven’t been a church-goer for 8 months. Seeing as we (boyfriend and I) accomplished quite a … Continue reading →
Well at least, the birth control I’m taking might be evil. It’s Microgestin, in case anyone was curious. I started it in September, and I think it might have spoiled my October. Curses! I have no proof that this medication … Continue reading →
And when I say gloom, I’m not wanting to evoke Halloweenish things like bellowing ghosts in graveyards, black cats crossing an empty street at night, giant jack-o-lanterns eating an entire village, etc. etc. That would be too happy for me … Continue reading →
Was not sure if I would write today, because I’m not letting myself feel nice consistently. Here’s what I’ve looked like this morning: “Weather is nice this morning. Fall is coming. I feel pretty good…” “Might as … Continue reading →
I just want to explain upfront that I will only be writing here when I am feeling peaceful inside. If I go a long time without posting, it is because I’m not sustaining a peaceful, fairly balanced state. This summer has had plenty of nice moments, but generally the hot months take a toll on my thinking. Weather has a huge effect on my ability to think and feel the way I want to think and feel. I said before that I don’t want to let people affect me, but weather will always have a say in my mental health. I am able to write now because it is less than 80 degrees outside. This morning I put on a dress (a rather short dress) and as I was walking out the house my mom told me that I was going to freeze. Music. to. my. ears. I need to get back to a place where I can “work” on myself again. Summer is not that place.
The reason why I only want to post when I’m feeling peaceful, and not when I have negative emotions, is because I do not want an archive of chaotic or angry mental states. I realize that some people use their blogs to vent and find solidarity with others over their negative emotions and experiences, but that’s not something that benefits me personally.
I had a really nice morning, which was unexpected. My boyfriend got out of bed on his own (I usually have to drag him), and we spent some well-needed refreshing time together. I was just planning to let him sleep in, but it was great that he was more energized than he is on most mornings. He didn’t know that I was in a dark place, but he acted affectionate and upbeat exactly when I needed him to.
I want people to know that I am not a trivial person. I think a lot about serious issues in the world. They affect me internally. I deal with negative things in this city. But when it comes to writing, I need to set my priorities straight and take care of myself. It’s not selfish, because cultivating a peaceful state of mind is never really selfish in my opinion. Peaceful state of mind —> peaceful actions —> peaceful world.