Finally Happening

Well guys, it’s finally happening. I got a job at a small marketing company nearby! I’m going to be an account manager, but will be doing a lot of copywriting, which is just what I want. Tomorrow is my first day! And after putting myself through $9/hr at Bread Co. for 10 months, any decent salary is very welcomed! I am anxious about this job, but super thankful; and because of what I’ve been through for over a year, I will have more perspective than I did before. The office is also pretty close to my apartment, so I’m stoked about that.

I have a huge to-do list with the money I will finally be making. Pay off my credit card, buy new work shoes (my current ones are literally falling apart), start paying off my student loan from that one semester of grad school, find a therapist (FINALLY), and hopefully have time to do voice lessons. I met with some people today who want me to do a lot of video editing for them, so I’m not sure if I’ll have time for voice lessons. I knew I was going to have the meeting with them, but I accepted the marketing job anyway, because full-time is not yet guaranteed for the video editing. If I didn’t get to start working full-time soon, I was going to start panicking. Like I said, I’m really anxious about starting this job, but more excited that I’m employed again and will learn a lot and get some valuable experience.

I REALLY hope that this turns out to be the right thing for me and that I can do a good job. But again, I have a lot of perspective this time, which will hopefully keep me positive through the inevitable trials of work. I’m already feeling better about myself, but also a bit more anxious than usual and eager to fill my bank account a bit. It’s that common sensation where the closer you get to something, the more impatient you get for it. I just have to hope the next few weeks go by quickly and nothing terrible happens. I hate this sense of dread that pops up and doesn’t let me just be happy.

Taking Life Back from Depression

Hi loves. So, I am still jobless. But I’ve sent out a ton of applications last week so I’m hoping I get some hopeful prospects soon. I can’t count on it though. This is tough, but I’m handling it as best I can.

I’ve been wanting to write a post about my plans to take my life back from depression. Depression has utterly robbed me the past few years, but Abilify has been helping me immensely. I haven’t been sleeping nearly as much, I’ve had much more motivation, and I’ve been interested in things again. I’ve been reading poetry again, playing the piano again, and am more optimistic about making friends in the future.

So, here are my “plans”:

  • Start seeing a therapist
  • Get a gym membership again, with my husband
  • Take voice lessons, which I haven’t done since early college; then find a singing group to join. Voila! A social hobby!

So, yeah, that’s only three things. Therapist, gym, singing.

Here’s the problem, though. I really need a job in order to pay for the therapist and voice lessons. My husband will pay for the gym, and we’re planning to start that in just a few days at the beginning of November. But I can’t have him pay for my therapist and voice lessons! We have quite a few large costs coming up in November. We have to renew our renter’s insurance, I have to start paying off my student loans for that semester of grad school, we both have somewhat large credit card bills that need paying, and something else I don’t remember. Anyway, November seems to not be the optimal month to start paying for extra self-care things. Unless I do land a good job! Even so, I can wait until December to start therapy and voice lessons. Fortunately, even without Abilify, winter doesn’t scare me like it does other people. I don’t think my depression is seasonal at all. I enjoy the dark, because I can use my lamps more.

Letting Go of Anger

So, I just paid to renew my domain name and premium WordPress features. I wasn’t sure if I would, because I’m running short of money, but I decided what the hell. I’m not exactly proud of this blog, because I … Continue reading

The Anti-Loser

I wasn’t supposed to be without a job until AFTER the wedding. And not any definite point after the wedding, just—-after. And it’s not that I wanted to be unemployed, I just wanted to change up my life a bit, move on. The decision of when was not in my hands like I thought it was; I and three others were prematurely dismissed for financial reasons. The silver linings were immediately obvious to me. I have bipolar disorder–of course I have my handy dandy silver linings playbook. I was happy to be dismissed non-dramatically, with some severance. I was also somewhat happy to not have to make the decision for myself–this wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t burning bridges, only the head of the company had to feel guilty. Did I predict to not have control? No, but at least I didn’t lose control in a chaotic street race manner.

By coincidence, the Friday that I lost my job, my fiance’s mom and grandma came into town to stay with us in our apartment, which we had planned for. That meant entertaining guests the whole weekend rather than having the chance to mope. Anyone can imagine, it’s not ideal to be a host immediately after losing the job you’ve had for 3 solid years. But thank God for my ability to see silver linings immediately and display a positive attitude; we all had a fine silver linings weekend.

So then I got to applying for jobs, which hasn’t bore any fruit yet. My fiance’s good friend from his hometown traveled to stay with us for almost a week, which caused me to get out of the house and enjoy myself. Fiance had taken the days off, and conveniently I could now share in the days off. So, it felt much like summer vacation, it being July. So I was thankful for that hot hazy summer vacation feel, because I didn’t think I’d have it again.

The main thing I know right now is I just do NOT want a job where high schoolers are my coworkers. Even if those jobs are the easiest to get, I will not work with high schoolers. I’m applying to jobs related to my so-far career (marketing/video production/copy writing), but I’m also applying to hotel front desk jobs. I got a call this morning at 10 (which woke me up) from some manager at a Drury Inn. She asked me some questions and I thought she was about to offer me a job–cue tummy butterflies. But then the questions pivoted to the topic of “Why would you do this, with your background?” Well, I want to switch gears, do something social, people-oriented. She seemed to get it. But, “Do you see this as long-term or will you be looking for work in your field?” Fuck…I don’t know, umm……I–I… She asked if I saw this as a more-than-one-year-job…”Oh, at least a year,” I said. I wasn’t going to say “Forever…” Who could expect forever? But did she want a forever? The conversation concluded with her sounding suspicious of me. “On Monday, we’ll call the people we’re interested in.” Fuck, she wasn’t even interested in me yet? And here I thought I was about to head out the door to my first shift!

Over the past few days I’ve transitioned from silver linings girl to depressed randomly-crying girl. Super blah, feeling like shit about myself, feeling like college is a scam and you can make +40K/year with some sort of hospitality certificate or by becoming a manager of a fucking Starbucks. We go to college feeling we are special, we are interesting, we are destined for better than others, we are the anti-losers. I don’t feel like the anti-loser right now. I know I want something new, but now I’m afraid of dead-ends, regrets, and comparisons.

I will NOT work the same jobs as high schoolers. Over my dead Fro-Yo splattered body.