I just want to explain upfront that I will only be writing here when I am feeling peaceful inside. If I go a long time without posting, it is because I’m not sustaining a peaceful, fairly balanced state. This summer has had plenty of nice moments, but generally the hot months take a toll on my thinking. Weather has a huge effect on my ability to think and feel the way I want to think and feel. I said before that I don’t want to let people affect me, but weather will always have a say in my mental health. I am able to write now because it is less than 80 degrees outside. This morning I put on a dress (a rather short dress) and as I was walking out the house my mom told me that I was going to freeze. Music. to. my. ears. I need to get back to a place where I can “work” on myself again. Summer is not that place.
The reason why I only want to post when I’m feeling peaceful, and not when I have negative emotions, is because I do not want an archive of chaotic or angry mental states. I realize that some people use their blogs to vent and find solidarity with others over their negative emotions and experiences, but that’s not something that benefits me personally.
I had a really nice morning, which was unexpected. My boyfriend got out of bed on his own (I usually have to drag him), and we spent some well-needed refreshing time together. I was just planning to let him sleep in, but it was great that he was more energized than he is on most mornings. He didn’t know that I was in a dark place, but he acted affectionate and upbeat exactly when I needed him to.
I want people to know that I am not a trivial person. I think a lot about serious issues in the world. They affect me internally. I deal with negative things in this city. But when it comes to writing, I need to set my priorities straight and take care of myself. It’s not selfish, because cultivating a peaceful state of mind is never really selfish in my opinion. Peaceful state of mind —> peaceful actions —> peaceful world.