Finally Happening

Well guys, it’s finally happening. I got a job at a small marketing company nearby! I’m going to be an account manager, but will be doing a lot of copywriting, which is just what I want. Tomorrow is my first day! And after putting myself through $9/hr at Bread Co. for 10 months, any decent salary is very welcomed! I am anxious about this job, but super thankful; and because of what I’ve been through for over a year, I will have more perspective than I did before. The office is also pretty close to my apartment, so I’m stoked about that.

I have a huge to-do list with the money I will finally be making. Pay off my credit card, buy new work shoes (my current ones are literally falling apart), start paying off my student loan from that one semester of grad school, find a therapist (FINALLY), and hopefully have time to do voice lessons. I met with some people today who want me to do a lot of video editing for them, so I’m not sure if I’ll have time for voice lessons. I knew I was going to have the meeting with them, but I accepted the marketing job anyway, because full-time is not yet guaranteed for the video editing. If I didn’t get to start working full-time soon, I was going to start panicking. Like I said, I’m really anxious about starting this job, but more excited that I’m employed again and will learn a lot and get some valuable experience.

I REALLY hope that this turns out to be the right thing for me and that I can do a good job. But again, I have a lot of perspective this time, which will hopefully keep me positive through the inevitable trials of work. I’m already feeling better about myself, but also a bit more anxious than usual and eager to fill my bank account a bit. It’s that common sensation where the closer you get to something, the more impatient you get for it. I just have to hope the next few weeks go by quickly and nothing terrible happens. I hate this sense of dread that pops up and doesn’t let me just be happy.

Emotionally Burnt Out

I’m so tired and unmotivated today. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m positive she’ll up my dose of Abilify, because that’s what she had planned anyway. And as it turns out, that’s what I seem to need. The lowest dose of it is still helping a bit but has worn off significantly.

I am just dead from applying to job after job and not getting the results I want. This guy at a small marketing company was supposed to schedule me for a second interview but hasn’t done so yet, to the point where I want to email him about it. I know exactly what I want, I really don’t ask for much as far as pay and benefits, but I just can’t get it. I’m stuck  yet again and I’m sick of being stuck. It’s easy to feel very hopeful at the start, but once a few weeks go by of constantly checking your emails and not getting what you’re waiting for, and once your checking account is completely empty, you don’t feel the hope anymore. And I’m sure people would tell me, well you need to get some job at a restaurant in the meantime. Well my husband doesn’t want me to and he believes I will get the job I deserve soon enough.

Lately I’ve had three ducks kind of in a row, and I need more ducks. I had a phone interview yesterday for an administrative assistant position at a video company, but I won’t hear back till after Thanksgiving. And I have an interview today for a very temporary position, filling in for someone on leave, but my mom doesn’t approve of the location of the job. I feel like my mom shouldn’t be able to tell me what I can and cannot do at this point. I don’t live with her, I’m not dependent on her. So why does she think she can tell me I can’t take a temp job based on the location? I mean, I’m not stoked about the temp job, but it would give me valuable experience and money in my checking account that I desperately need. Of course, it would be much more ideal to be offered a permanent job somewhere, but I’m in a crappy situation where I have to take what I can get. If I have to go too many more weeks unemployed, I will go crazy.

Finding a good position after the last agency I worked for went under has been the most difficult task I’ve ever had. It is extremely discouraging. I need some good news soon or I can see myself sinking into horrible depression again. Good thing I have my appointment tomorrow, a raise in my Abilify might be the only thing I’ll have going for me.

Taking Life Back from Depression

Hi loves. So, I am still jobless. But I’ve sent out a ton of applications last week so I’m hoping I get some hopeful prospects soon. I can’t count on it though. This is tough, but I’m handling it as best I can.

I’ve been wanting to write a post about my plans to take my life back from depression. Depression has utterly robbed me the past few years, but Abilify has been helping me immensely. I haven’t been sleeping nearly as much, I’ve had much more motivation, and I’ve been interested in things again. I’ve been reading poetry again, playing the piano again, and am more optimistic about making friends in the future.

So, here are my “plans”:

  • Start seeing a therapist
  • Get a gym membership again, with my husband
  • Take voice lessons, which I haven’t done since early college; then find a singing group to join. Voila! A social hobby!

So, yeah, that’s only three things. Therapist, gym, singing.

Here’s the problem, though. I really need a job in order to pay for the therapist and voice lessons. My husband will pay for the gym, and we’re planning to start that in just a few days at the beginning of November. But I can’t have him pay for my therapist and voice lessons! We have quite a few large costs coming up in November. We have to renew our renter’s insurance, I have to start paying off my student loans for that semester of grad school, we both have somewhat large credit card bills that need paying, and something else I don’t remember. Anyway, November seems to not be the optimal month to start paying for extra self-care things. Unless I do land a good job! Even so, I can wait until December to start therapy and voice lessons. Fortunately, even without Abilify, winter doesn’t scare me like it does other people. I don’t think my depression is seasonal at all. I enjoy the dark, because I can use my lamps more.

Letting Go of Anger

So, I just paid to renew my domain name and premium WordPress features. I wasn’t sure if I would, because I’m running short of money, but I decided what the hell. I’m not exactly proud of this blog, because I … Continue reading