Still Depressed…

2018 really hasn’t been good at all. Which sucks, because it’s my first year of marriage, but as I was saying in June, it’s not my marriage that sucks. In fact, the marriage is like, the only thing I have going for me. My husband has been supporting me emotionally and financially this year, that’s for sure. I have some of my own money that I spend, but he really takes the burden of supporting us and is, for the most part, happy to do it. Sure he would appreciate if I could contribute more, but he always assures me that he thinks of us as one entity and I shouldn’t feel guilty.

But I do feel guilty, because I suck. I suck because I quit my food service job in July thinking I was going to make decent money doing freelance video editing. It showed some promise at first, but it looks like it’s going to be a bust. I’m running out of my own personal money, I really want to be able to contribute to our living costs, and I’m not finding a job fast enough. I’m so hopeless that the recruiting agency that was supposed to help me, straight up ghosted me. Won’t return my calls or emails. How bullshit is that?

I know these things take time, but I’ve been trying to land a good job for over a year now, since July 2017. It’s just not happening, and I feel very angry over it. My husband says I need to try a bit harder.

And I still feel sucky because I spent a semester in grad school and changed my mind about it. Like, who the fuck does that? I see so many friends go on to grad school and actually finish, because they fucking know what they want to do. And I just, don’t know. And that sucks of me.

Oh, and since my last post in June, I got into TWO car accidents. TWO. I don’t even want to talk about it, I get so angry. Like, seriously? Unable to find a job, unable to drive a car, unable to make up my mind about school and careers, unable to do shit.

And let’s cap it off with, I don’t have a social life. Made zero social progress in 2018. There are many reasons for that, and I don’t want to go into it right now. Sure, a lot of it is my fault for lack of motivation, but I end up just concluding that I am an all-time sucky human being and people don’t like me. ¬†Am I probably irrational? Yes, most likely. But I have my reasons. People have really hurt me more than they’ll know.

You have no idea how much I want to get my life together, but it’s as if God is not letting it happen for me. I don’t have suicidal ideations like I was having in June, but I’m afraid of running into more hopelessness and self-hatred.

Yes, I am medicated; and yes, I have a psychiatrist.

The Anti-Loser

I wasn’t supposed to be without a job until AFTER the wedding. And not any definite point after the wedding, just—-after. And it’s not that I wanted to be unemployed, I just wanted to change up my life a bit, move on. The decision of when was not in my hands like I thought it was; I and three others were prematurely dismissed for financial reasons. The silver linings were immediately obvious to me. I have bipolar disorder–of course I have my handy dandy silver linings playbook. I was happy to be dismissed non-dramatically, with some severance. I was also somewhat happy to not have to make the decision for myself–this wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t burning bridges, only the head of the company had to feel guilty. Did I predict to not have control? No, but at least I didn’t lose control in a chaotic street race manner.

By coincidence, the Friday that I lost my job, my fiance’s mom and grandma came into town to stay with us in our apartment, which we had planned for. That meant entertaining guests the whole weekend rather than having the chance to mope. Anyone can imagine, it’s not ideal to be a host immediately after losing the job you’ve had for 3 solid years. But thank God for my ability to see silver linings immediately and display a positive attitude; we all had a fine silver linings weekend.

So then I got to applying for jobs, which hasn’t bore any fruit yet. My fiance’s good friend from his hometown traveled to stay with us for almost a week, which caused me to get out of the house and enjoy myself. Fiance had taken the days off, and conveniently I could now share in the days off. So, it felt much like summer vacation, it being July. So I was thankful for that hot hazy summer vacation feel, because I didn’t think I’d have it again.

The main thing I know right now is I just do NOT want a job where high schoolers are my coworkers. Even if those jobs are the easiest to get, I will not work with high schoolers. I’m applying to jobs related to my so-far career (marketing/video production/copy writing), but I’m also applying to hotel front desk jobs. I got a call this morning at 10 (which woke me up) from some manager at a Drury Inn. She asked me some questions and I thought she was about to offer me a job–cue tummy butterflies. But then the questions pivoted to the topic of “Why would you do this, with your background?” Well, I want to switch gears, do something social, people-oriented. She seemed to get it. But, “Do you see this as long-term or will you be looking for work in your field?” Fuck…I don’t know, umm……I–I… She asked if I saw this as a more-than-one-year-job…”Oh, at least a year,” I said. I wasn’t going to say “Forever…” Who could expect forever? But did she want a forever? The conversation concluded with her sounding suspicious of me. “On Monday, we’ll call the people we’re interested in.” Fuck, she wasn’t even interested in me yet? And here I thought I was about to head out the door to my first shift!

Over the past few days I’ve transitioned from silver linings girl to depressed randomly-crying girl. Super blah, feeling like shit about myself, feeling like college is a scam and you can make +40K/year with some sort of hospitality certificate or by becoming a manager of a fucking Starbucks. We go to college feeling we are special, we are interesting, we are destined for better than others, we are the anti-losers. I don’t feel like the anti-loser right now. I know I want something new, but now I’m afraid of dead-ends, regrets, and comparisons.

I will NOT work the same jobs as high schoolers. Over my dead Fro-Yo splattered body.