So, I just paid to renew my domain name and premium WordPress features. I wasn’t sure if I would, because I’m running short of money, but I decided what the hell. I’m not exactly proud of this blog, because I have been depressed for the past three years, but I wanted to keep it alive (with the “Love Birds” theme). Even though I haven’t written much the past three years, it’s nice to have it for the occasional venting, and in case I actually get better. I have fond feelings about starting the blog in fall 2014, and if I can ever get back to those feelings, it’s worth it. Things were quite different then, as I lived with my parents, didn’t have horrible problems with my job, was in a long distance relationship, and was simply overjoyed to be out of college. I’m not sure if part of my silence here is that my now-husband has been with me, and I tend to get lazy and want to chill with him mindlessly when we’re not at work. I say “we’re” because, even though I am unemployed at the moment, I was working at Bread Co. up till July. And lately since I have had more time to myself, I have been way too depressed, angry, and unmotivated to write or really do anything that would benefit me. The only thing I took up as a life improvement was cooking, because I realized it would make my husband happy to see me doing something productive (whilst feeding him).
I went to my psychiatrist last week and it was more productive than I expected. She understood exactly how I was feeling–like a hamster in a wheel, not getting anywhere and very frustrated and hopeless. Right now I take Cymbalta for my depression, and I was taking Latuda as well but ceased because it gave me dreadful side effects. She was okay that I stopped Latuda, which I was nervous to tell her about. I was a bit frustrated that she acted like I hadn’t told her that I was experiencing side effects beforehand. I definitely told her and she wasn’t bothered at the time. Anyway, she is now prescribing me Abilify in addition to the Cymbalta, to give me a boost. She said that people with Bipolar Disorder often do not reap the fullest benefits of anti-depressants, and need something additional. I feel like eight years ago when I was on Prozac alone, I got the full effect; and that is a huge part of why I had a manic episode, which led to the Bipolar diagnosis. Whatever, that was a different time and I was much younger.
I have let go of a lot of my anger. If you read my last post, you can see all the anger I was living with. And a reason my psychiatrist prescribed Abilify last week was that I told her I would have crying spells if I missed a dose of my Cymbalta. She said that, although a patient might feel a bit different if they miss a dose, it’s abnormal to have crying spells when it happens. Whenever I have missed my Cymbalta for whatever reason (once it was an issue with my insurance), I go into horrible depression with lots of crying. Like, loud vocal crying. Anyway, she could see I have been in a bad place. Very bad–between the constant anger, the crying spells, the lack of motivation, the hopelessness, and even thoughts of suicide. I explained, I would not be able to commit suicide because of the uncertainty of whether I would go to hell. I would feel even more hopeless knowing suicide is not an option for me.
I began letting go of my anger on my one-year wedding anniversary weekend. I reflected a lot upon how lucky I am with my relationship. Many are not as lucky in relationships, as you can see many relationships do not last long or end in divorce rather quickly. I’m not saying mine is perfect, but I perceive many fortunate things about it–things I wouldn’t have recognized as important before I got into the relationship. So, yes, I believe I got very lucky, and I do sincerely thank God for giving me what I didn’t even know I needed. For so many months, I was so focused on the bad things in my life, so angry at God, even feeling like God was punishing me for something. Finally I was fixating on something hugely positive, maybe the one thing I have going for me right now. My relationship may not be perfect, but it has many qualities that keep it strong, things I am humbly thankful for–because God knows I didn’t get this relationship by being love-savvy.
I don’t want anyone to feel bitter toward me because of my relationship. Like, I’m not trying to brag and make others feel lesser because they haven’t found the right person yet. What I want people to understand is that my marriage is my biggest blessing right now that makes me feel like God cares about me, but that I still have problems. I have problems that you might not have. Maybe I have something that you desperately want, but you probably have something that I desperately want. You might have something that makes me very jealous and bitter. I don’t want other women to dislike me because I had a princessy wedding and am still happy about it a year later. I want them to see how much I have been struggling in spite of my marriage. Marriage isn’t the one thing I need to be a happy, healthy person. Lately I have seen it as a sign from God that he is with me and will heal me. Maybe he hasn’t provided for my needs as quickly as I thought he should, but thinking about my blessings has helped me let go of that frustration. So, maybe you are struggling with many things like I am. I’m just telling you, the thing that is helping me heal from contempt and hopelessness is recognizing where I am blessed. Believe me, I still have a lot of work to do, and I might still have a lot of patience to learn.