2018 really hasn’t been good at all. Which sucks, because it’s my first year of marriage, but as I was saying in June, it’s not my marriage that sucks. In fact, the marriage is like, the only thing I have going for me. My husband has been supporting me emotionally and financially this year, that’s for sure. I have some of my own money that I spend, but he really takes the burden of supporting us and is, for the most part, happy to do it. Sure he would appreciate if I could contribute more, but he always assures me that he thinks of us as one entity and I shouldn’t feel guilty.
But I do feel guilty, because I suck. I suck because I quit my food service job in July thinking I was going to make decent money doing freelance video editing. It showed some promise at first, but it looks like it’s going to be a bust. I’m running out of my own personal money, I really want to be able to contribute to our living costs, and I’m not finding a job fast enough. I’m so hopeless that the recruiting agency that was supposed to help me, straight up ghosted me. Won’t return my calls or emails. How bullshit is that?
I know these things take time, but I’ve been trying to land a good job for over a year now, since July 2017. It’s just not happening, and I feel very angry over it. My husband says I need to try a bit harder.
And I still feel sucky because I spent a semester in grad school and changed my mind about it. Like, who the fuck does that? I see so many friends go on to grad school and actually finish, because they fucking know what they want to do. And I just, don’t know. And that sucks of me.
Oh, and since my last post in June, I got into TWO car accidents. TWO. I don’t even want to talk about it, I get so angry. Like, seriously? Unable to find a job, unable to drive a car, unable to make up my mind about school and careers, unable to do shit.
And let’s cap it off with, I don’t have a social life. Made zero social progress in 2018. There are many reasons for that, and I don’t want to go into it right now. Sure, a lot of it is my fault for lack of motivation, but I end up just concluding that I am an all-time sucky human being and people don’t like me. Am I probably irrational? Yes, most likely. But I have my reasons. People have really hurt me more than they’ll know.
You have no idea how much I want to get my life together, but it’s as if God is not letting it happen for me. I don’t have suicidal ideations like I was having in June, but I’m afraid of running into more hopelessness and self-hatred.
Yes, I am medicated; and yes, I have a psychiatrist.