I just feel the need to write about how depressed I’ve been lately, otherwise I’ll end up writing about it on Facebook. I told my mom I hate my life, and she said “You can’t hate your life, you’re a newlywed!” I love my husband but being married doesn’t stop the depression. It doesn’t make me feel better about myself.
I have been feeling pretty horrible about myself and like my life sucks and I’m a failure with no hope. I feel trapped with my shitty personality, my shyness, and my overly-young-looking appearance. My family is not doing well because my dad is out of work and my grandmother who lives with them has Alzheimer’s and makes life extremely difficult for my grandpa and mom. I try to avoid it as much as possible because it’s too depressing.
My rats have always been a source of great happiness for me, but they have been sick and I can’t get them better no matter all the medicine I buy for them! I nebulize them and even do daily injections on my own. My husband and mom tell me I should not get any more rats after these ones, because it sucks too much how they get sick so easily and die so early. I was so much happier when I had my first three boys in 2014-2015, and I hadn’t gone through any deaths yet. I’ve buried four rats since 2015, the most recent being this past February. That death was very hard for me and I still have great sadness over losing that rat. I love rats, but they’re not like dogs, which live much longer. And I do not make enough money right now to be spending so much on meds for them. I haven’t been contributing to rent like I have always done in the past, because I don’t make enough money and I wish I had a better job. But I have not been able to acquire one, no matter how I try to get out of my current situation.
Oh, and I am not doing grad school anymore. I had a change of heart about what I wanted to do, what my goals with a master’s degree were. So there’s that. Just another thing that makes me suck.
I have a shitty demeaning job, I’m messy, I have no clear goals, I have a shitty personality that won’t get me anywhere, I have dying rats, I don’t really feel any encouragement or validation from anybody, I hate almost everything about myself, and I just feel like stabbing myself sometimes.