Stuck

Being inspired to write is actually really hard when you don’t travel to different types of places and you’re in the…midwest. The last vacation I went on was last July, and it was a cruise to the Bahamas courtesy of my fiancé’s grandparents. The trip was fun because of his family, just super touristy. My empirical existence has been extremely limited. There are places to hike around here, parks and stuff, but it’s not the most ideal once you’ve beaten it like a dead horse. And St. Louis summers suck. Spring has only just taken effect, but summer looms. The mugginess is horrible, and the bright sun is tyrannical to walk around in. Seeing as we didn’t have much of a winter, I bet that this summer will be a monster. The flowers may bloom now, but the air already threatens with summer. Stupid, stupid summer. I certainly could never move to a more southern state with insane heat. My fiancé is from South Carolina, and he says in the summer you just didn’t go outside. I couldn’t stand it. I know that Maryland, where I grew up, was humid in the summer as well, but something about it was bearable. This is probably just fond reminiscence, because I had great friends and purpose in my life. I had purposeful thoughts and things. I just can’t do this friendless, purposeless St. Louis thing anymore.

Maryland did not make me crabby, although I did have depression and according to my parents was moody. Give me a fucking break, I was a teenager with cystic acne who managed to get nearly all A’s, played two instruments proficiently, was on the homecoming court, did theatre, and didn’t have sex whatsoever. What more do you want from me.

Well that was a digression. Anyway, St. Louis is a lovely city that I’d recommend to anyone, except to myself at the moment. I’m fantasizing about moving back to the east coast, to Maryland, closer to water that isn’t merely a swamp-colored river. I don’t even try to romanticize brown rivers.

However, I know there’d be a heart-pang leaving St. Louis. We’re very accustomed to it nowadays–it’s got real appeal and we have our special haunts. Like, I don’t want to leave St. Louis and regret it terribly. The problem is mostly feeling total stagnancy here, for 3 years. Stagnant at my job, in relationships, with outside-of-work activities, etc. Being a young person in St. Louis, and probably most cities, is nauseating. It’s all so superficial. It’s about being an artist, but an artist with professionalism. Having a heart of gold. Going to third-wave coffee shops, being a foodie, exchanging business cards. “Brand” is a word that you eventually want to punch in the throat.

It will all get better after the wedding, I tell myself. I’ll take off my current layer of skin and be a fresh person. I’ll have purpose again. I’ll get out of the mental state of being a millennial in the workplace, especially the midwest workplace.

I’m going to plan a trip to Montreal for our honeymoon. I’m really excited but have never planned a big trip before. Neither of us have been to Canada, and Montreal seems like the perfect vacation for us. My guy is a hockey enthusiast, we could try out skiing for the first time (I’ll probably break myself), and it would be like a mini-Europe vacation. Closest to Europe we’ll probably get for many years, unfortunately.

I’m dying for a change in scenery, to not feel so finite; truly dying.

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