I Like Spring Now

I just realized that I only wrote two posts in 2016. Wow. Honestly I think I felt so empty, depressed, and unable to focus. I can’t even describe the year 2016, for multiple reasons. 1. My lack of focus and ability to reflect or enjoy things, 2. Shit involving others that I’d get screwed for disclosing. It just wasn’t the reddest of letters for me, but not a waste nonetheless. I’ve felt held back from making changes that I want, but at least I’ve discovered what those changes are. Right now I feel I’m mentally incubating my hopes for the next few years, for which I’m optimistic. Things aren’t clicking properly in my brain though and I wonder if I could go off medication at some point. Or at least, go off my antidepressant and lower my Lamictal dosage?

My wedding isn’t too far away anymore, just about 7 months. My fiancé is getting on me about sending the wedding invitations now. As far as my hoped-for changes go, it’s all sort of waiting till after the wedding. Especially because of financial reasons. Once this big event is over and my fiancé and I can settle into married life (probably not much different than life now), I can have the freedom to move forward with stuff. Probably moving on to a new job, but not settling on anything just because I’m running away from something. It would be awesome if my fiancé could be happier, too. He is miserable at his job as a claims agent for Progressive, and has been depressed as hell since working there. He really needs to make changes, too. At least he has hockey, which he’s obsessed with. He plays on two amateur leagues in the St. Louis area, and when he’s not playing he’s on his NHL video game or reading books about hockey. I just want us both to hang in there at our jobs until after the wedding.

Because of the wedding, I’m giving generous attention to my skin. My skin hasn’t been horrible the past year, but I’d gotten lazy about it and doing the minimum. Now I’ve got a growing Korean skincare regimen using all Asian products, which is very therapeutic and, well, a healthy obsession. My first goal is to fade post-acne pigmentation on my cheeks and forehead. I am now terribly averse to products in American drugstores, and even generally skeptical of Western cosmetic products. I’m afraid I won’t be satisfied until I’m…Korean. But not in North Korea, of course.

Spring has sprung early here, which has been discommodious for the trees and flowers that bloomed in fucking February. For, freezing weather reappeared and damaged or killed many of the blossoms, which is so upsetting. But, it dawned on me that I like spring more than I thought. In 2015 I wrote that I had seasonal depression in the spring…but now I’m questioning that. I think I actually just have depression in any season, but my mind was glued to my horrible spring freshman year of college. I guess it made me think that spring is bad, but it’s not. The past two years, I’ve learned that depression has no time preference for me. So I’m moving on from pigeonholing certain times of year due to tainted experiences. I love flowers and have always been fond of Easter, and sunnier evenings are in fact quite nice. So long as I have lots of SPF, a Korean skincare imperative.

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