As my October wedding is approaching, I’ve been even more sensitive about friendships than before. Any conflict whatsoever, really scares me. First of all because of the physical distance between me and my friends (I’m in St. Louis, they’re all on the East coast), second of all because of my best friend from high school.
Her name is Cassie (she spells it Casi now), and she was definitively my best friend for almost my whole teenage life. She was always going to be my maid of honor, no question. But for reasons no one seems to know, she shut herself away about 4 years ago. Will not talk to me or anyone that I know of. Even friends who still live near her never see or hear from her. Her mom is on Facebook, but won’t respond to my messages when I ask about Cassie.
I don’t know what happened, but I lost her. It felt like she died.
It was very depressing when I got engaged in May, because I realized I didn’t have that best friend anymore to be elated with me. That was how it was supposed to be, and I didn’t have her to answer a phone call. My matron of honor is my very close friend from college, the person who introduced me to Deric. Our relationship is extremely important to me, we went through quite a bit together in college and our bond lasted after she graduated. The thing is, she has other best friends. Maybe I am one of her best friends. But Cassie was my best friend. Everybody knew that.
I wasn’t supposed to get depressed right after getting engaged, but I was. I was depressed that all my close friends were on the East coast and couldn’t celebrate with me, and depressed about not having Cassie anymore. I love my Deric but something was missing.
I have six bridesmaids/matron. But I wish I had a seventh. I keep having dreams that Cassie magically reappears. We see each other, she looks at me conveying “I’m sorry for cutting you off for 4 years,” and I just hug her and we go about like normal. No need to talk about it, nothing needs to be said.
Last night I dreamt that when I saw her, I broke down in tears. I can’t help but cry as I think about this.