Hello mates, let’s see if I can get through writing a post for once.
First off, I haven’t had any productive hypomania for months and months. It mostly gives me feelings of anxiety in my stomach, and involves not being able to focus on something for very long. I wonder if I should go to grad school and if that would help me structure my thoughts, but it’s hard to know when the time will be right. I’m getting married in October, and the fiancé and I have recently gotten an apartment so have been spending quite a bit to furnish it. I’m excited to get settled from all the hubbub of the upcoming year with the wedding and all, so we can get into some sort of groove and set forth plans. Maybe then I’ll be able to think about getting into school, taking up piano lessons again, and other things to structure myself.
As I have been thinking about structure, I have been thinking of spirituality, and the structure it gives to one’s life. I am, definitively, a God-believer who feels some extent of a personal connection to that God. However, I have no consistency with it and do not go to church, mostly because I am afraid of social discomfort. I have found myself lately flaunting my Protestantism to people with a tongue-in-cheek delivery, because I am somewhat of a comedienne. And in doing that, I realized I am proud of my Protestant background. I love the intellectual side of the Christian faith, which unfortunately many secular people don’t know about. People really should recognize that Christianity can be very cerebral and philosophical, and it’s mostly Baptists making the religion look foolish in the public eye. I will never be a Baptist. I have one friend from high school who grew up Baptist, but he’s a pagan now.
And now for what I really wanted to write about, which is Pagan witchcraft. I myself would never be a Pagan or a witch, but I happened to meet a lovely person last summer who is a Pagan witch. I met him when I was at my fiance’s family’s house in Ohio; we were sitting out by a bonfire, and the young man, the Pagan witch, came riding up to us on his hoverboard. He had with him a wand which I guess he carries everywhere, and some handcrafted wire pentagrams. He threw one of them into the fire at one point, I don’t know why. He also danced provocatively to Britney Spears to entertain us. Also, he was in a heated conflict with another young man who was with us, and refused to shake hands to make amends.
I saw him just a few weeks ago when we visited Ohio for an early Christmas, and he did my Tarot card reading (candlelit). Knowing that I believe in the Abrahamic God, he also gave me a Bible and tucked a nightshade plant into it. I’m supposed to keep it for protection. I keep in touch with him through Twitter, which is his main platform. I had tweeted some stuff about how I was annoyed with my fiancé, so he ended up messaging me about whether I wanted a “sweetening hex” placed on my lover. I went along with it. He said that he had to make a sacrifice to some fairies (or, fays) to make the hex work. I don’t really know if the hex worked, it’s not really the point.
On Twitter, along with composing amusing yet profound little poems, he often talks about how he puts curses on people. As in, he performs black magic. He truly wants to do harm to human beings who have angered him. It seems unhealthy to get that angry, but the idea of casting curses is also comforting. Like, you give yourself your own resolution. Perhaps you hate someone for whatever reason, but it seems nothing mortal can be done to alleviate the fury. So from afar, you put a curse on them, allowing you to feel in control and victorious. Maybe you won’t know the extent to how the curse worked out, but if you believe in it enough, that’s irrelevant.
So I thought to myself how practicing “magick” gives structure to one’s life. The Tarot cards, the crystals, fairies, candles, plants, nature cycles, the spells… it puts you in control and no one can take it from you. Everything has a solution for you, everything has a meaning to seize.
I have no plans to begin the practice of magick although the kid has offered me an apprenticeship so I can be the priestess of nightmares. Since I will not enter into that belief system, I am thinking of being more consistent with Christian theological and spiritual engagement. Defining my convictions better may steady my patterns of creative productivity. After all, I am certain that Christianity informs my own belief system, so it’s only logical that I delve into it for the mental structure I need.
To start out, when I was at Hobby Lobby the other day, I noticed a Bible-looking book near the checkout line called “God’s Promises for Every Day.” It was about $5, and I bought it.