The Loudest Emotion

It would kind of be a shame if I can’t get to sleep tonight, but not too shameful since tomorrow is Sunday and I haven’t been a church-goer for 8 months. Seeing as we (boyfriend and I) accomplished quite a bit today (hiking, Vietnamese dining, pinball bar tripping), I wouldn’t feel bad about sleeping in late tomorrow and not doing much.

Work has been mentally and emotionally TAXING lately. Oh my gosh. I don’t want to stop being thankful for the job I have, because it’s been a relatively awesome job, but I’m not as thankful as I have been in the past. Notice I said “been” twice, and that’s saying something. In the last probably 2 months I keep having dark instances of burning anger. So much so that I keep finding myself chanting, “Don’t be angry, don’t be angry, don’t be angry.” Or I even ask God, “Help me not be angry.” And I mostly do this because the possibility of one’s anger being of an undue intensity is always there. Also, at my core I am a deeply compassionate person, whether other people choose to see that or not (and I’m pretty sure they choose to overlook that most of the time). Sorry that I can’t get into the juicy details and politics of all the little but maybe ginormous things that make me so irritable. I am just a lot more judgmental, a lot more retrospective of many questionable things, and a lot more prone to playing completely hypothetical scenes in my head whilst I’m driving to and from the office. It will be no surprise if I ultimately have an outburst, but I’m impressed that such an event hasn’t happened yet.

So…to anyone who has so kindly enjoyed reading my blog posts in the past, I am sorry that I have been so angry, and that the anger has absorbed my energy to keep up the blog. And pardon the smoke issuing from my cranium.

Anger is loud, anger is impatient, anger is proud, anger is draining, anger disrespects others, and anger is perfectly acceptable sometimes. Don’t roll over.

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