Well at least, the birth control I’m taking might be evil. It’s Microgestin, in case anyone was curious. I started it in September, and I think it might have spoiled my October. Curses! I have no proof that this medication is what’s screwing with me, but there’s a good chance of it. I’ve been mildly depressed the past spring and summer, but like I said in my last post, this is the worst I’ve been in a while. Consistently boggy, lacking the emotional and mental capacity to be jubilant about anything. Like, I just don’t care. I feel heartless. And I usually love hearts.
Last time, I wrote about a constant heaviness in my head. I don’t feel that quite as much now, it’s more like a wall in my head that I keep running into. I perk up a bit, and then run into a wall. Feel a bit lighter, then run into a wall. Get an interesting idea, wall. Self-improvement seems impossible and I feel stuck in myself. My brain has concrete borders.
In September, I wrote about how I was taking 30 minutes every day to draw something and was planning to do it 30 days straight. Well, the wall put a stop to that. I was feeling so good about what I was doing, but then in the October evenings when I would sit down to draw, I’d just keep hitting the wall over and over and over again. And then the 30 minutes would come to nothing, because drawing was impossible.
“Impossible” is a good word that should summon images of lovely and sentimental things for me, like Rogers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland. But although such things pop in my head, the wall pops up just as fast. Oh hello wall, nice to see you again.
There are other things that make me suspicious of the birth control, too. I keep getting headaches that won’t go away despite generous caffeine consumption and Advil. I keep bleeding during sex, almost every time. I’m suddenly putting on a few pounds despite not changing my habits. One of my rats developed an abscess.
The wall is probably the most bothersome thing, though.