Okay, I can do this…I can write something…
Ugh no I can’t.
This has been my brief inner dialogue every day for the past few weeks. I have felt a lot better since my post on May 2nd, after having one of those deep long crying spells that many of us need every once in a while. The kind of crying spell where you’re using your t-shirt to wipe away your tears and snot. That felt good. It defrosted my brain and got the juices flowing again, but not enough to let me write. Now I think a lot of ideas are flitting around my head but I can’t snatch them in time to formulate any sort of thesis or anecdote.
I graduated from college this time last year, and today the class below me are graduating. This is bringing back all sorts of memories from when I was a sophomore and they were freshmen. The memories are punching holes through my stomach— like a hole puncher through paper, not a fist through a wall. This causes a pleasant tingling sensation and makes me feel like my brain is filling up with nice warm fluid that seeps out a bit through my eyes. Moments that meant nothing back then are now surreal milestones in my life.
I had to stay in a hotel by myself for the first time last Sunday. I traveled to Pennsylvania for my boyfriend’s graduation, and my connecting flight back home got cancelled at midnight. So I was stranded by myself in D.C. As I was standing in line at customer service with all the other disappointed people, I teared up a bit at the thought of having to make hotel arrangements on my own. I quickly toughed up, though, and got a $79 rate at a swanky Westin Hotel (the hand soap was shaped like a leaf.) I had perked up completely by 1 a.m. when I was outside waiting for my shuttle to the hotel. Good thing I enjoy navigating large airports by myself; the long solitary walk through the immaculate white palace lifted my mood. When I got to the hotel, the clerk was very nice and let me have a late checkout time the next day, since my newly booked flight wasn’t leaving until 4. All in all, a positive experience.
The best thing right now is that my boyfriend will be arriving in St. Louis on June 10th, because he has an interview on June 11th. Pardon me while I heartily high five myself for surviving nearly ten months of a long distance relationship. I am so fucking excited for our summer evening adventures to commence again.
But given that my airline fiasco last weekend was a positive experience for me, you might pick up on my proclivity for being a loner girl. It’s sad as fuck, but it has its perks…at least when I’m feeling peaceful. Being alone in public places at least makes me feel like I don’t need validation from anyone. I feel stronger. By the time warm weather invades my environment, though, I’m ready for someone with whom to exist easily.