April Come She Will

Is it seriously almost April? Thank God. This is the best thing about not being in school: time is moving quickly and that’s okay. In college, we’re all slaves to the syllabi. Assignment deadlines march towards us like soldiers in the Revolutionary War. The only reason why I miss the stress of college is because mental exertion in school grows you more than you can imagine, which is why higher education is worth it. A bachelor’s degree does not entitle you to a high-paying job, as much as people want to equate education with job quality. Don’t sell education short like that. The thing worth valuing is your intellectual growth and your betterment as a person.

Oh, anyway, the benefit of not being in school, for me right now, is that time is moving quickly. I have only gotten to see my boyfriend three times in the past seven & a half months, and we have both struggled constantly with loneliness and depression. A big part of me has appreciated the alone time and found it necessary at this stage in my life, but the loneliness is much more a burden than a blessing. To give some background to this situation, I don’t have a social life in St. Louis. I didn’t grow up here, and making friends that really stick seems impossible. But if it weren’t for the alone time, I probably would not have started blogging. I am grateful for the free thinking space I have had the past fall and winter, but the absence of my companion has been painful. My “love language” is physical touch, making a long distance relationship extra brutal.

I can’t help feeling judged by others for my desperate social situation, but I’m probably just sensitive because of the depression. And in a vibrant urban setting, you feel like you’re really missing out on things if you can’t participate in the environment. I went out briefly this evening to get my mom some Thai food, and I didn’t bother to change out of my sweatpants. This was kind of embarrassing on a hopping Saturday night. Some guy honked loudly at me as I was on a crosswalk (which is fucking ridiculous of him), and I speculate that he was objecting to my public wearing of sweatpants.

I finally get to see my boyfriend graduate in May, and then we will be a regular couple again. I will be more motivated to dress nicely, because looking nice when I am by his side feels good.

Back to the point, I will have my best friend back. We won’t have to depend on phone calls anymore. Spring is usually a very stressful time, but this year it’s a relief. I actually was very close to death last April, which is weird to think about.

Since I was free of academic stress this year, I was able to determine that fall is my favorite season. After months of sweaterlessness, wearing sweaters again feels oh so comfy and stylish.

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