I Feel Bad Right Now

Why do I feel bad? Because I can’t get to sleep, so I ended up going downstairs to get a big bowl of frootloops (which I slightly spilled on the way back up the stairs). We have very creaky floors, because this is a very old house (T.S. Eliot lived here). And I’m afraid that I am preventing the ex-missionary who is staying on the third floor from going to sleep. I certainly hope I am not disrupting his children’s sleep, that would be bad and inhospitable. I have my own ideations of hospitality. There is major walking around going on above me, and the guy is sick, and every time he coughs I’m like “goddammit he’s dying.” To make matters gloomier, he’s going through a divorce, so I feel bad about that too. Sometimes I think that I am a bad person, but then sometimes I think I’m a good person. I think that I’m a good person whenever things like this bother me…whenever I feel deeply bad for someone else and want to help the person. I have felt bad for many people through the years, and most of the time, I am not the person they want helping them. I think I have a good opportunity, but then it falls flat and I feel rejected. So, someone going through a shitty time makes me feel shitty because they didn’t want me helping them. They wanted someone else. Or, I help someone and they just run off with my money very quickly to “buy a pizza.” Poverty. It does terrible things to people. Brain, fall asleep now. Anyway, my boyfriend just texted saying “I will cuddle you for life.”

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