Why Is Melancholy Blue

Getting my thoughts together has been hard this week. Yesterday I felt terribly depressed, and today I feel hypomanic. On both days, I have worn blue. Blue dress, blue sweater, blue leggings, blue coat, blue Keds. Actually, purple Keds and a purple hat. Dark blue has made me feel comfortable this week. “Melancholy” was the word moving through my head like crushed ice yesterday, but it didn’t cross my mind at all today. Today has been all senses and no words; not that I haven’t spoken quite a bit, but I hardly remember anything that I’ve said. I was nicely productive at work, but super chatty and animated. I had fatigued myself by the end of the day. I am so aware of the meaning behind my behavior while it’s happening. Since I am aware of it, does that mean that I should be able to control it?

Yesterday I felt like writing about my depression, but I couldn’t because…I was too depressed! That’s not where I am right now. Everything is music and colors and warm air. Being in a frigid studio-office all day certainly makes you appreciate the hazel feeling of warm air. I have a bit of an addiction to warm air, which includes an addiction to my blow dryer. My blow dryer is on my bed with me right now, and I have already used it three times since getting home. Turning the blow dryer off can be difficult sometimes, because the sudden absence of air and noise makes you feel porcelain and empty.

Thank God for hypomania. What would I be without all the music and colors and warm air?

I just love that the sun has pretty much disappeared by the time I am commuting home, so all the colors are glowing. The sky glows blue, and I don’t get irritated by the traffic because of all the glowing lights from the cars and stoplights. The green lights look beautiful, especially because they allow me to accelerate so that my car’s heat kicks in. I am conceptualizing a film that fixates on the particularly sinister & magical presence of green when it’s glowing. By the time I’ve made it down Grand and I’m about to turn onto Lindell Blvd, the stems of the streetlights glow blue all of a sudden.

Everything is illuminated in the most euphoric way.

7 thoughts on “Why Is Melancholy Blue

  1. “Since I am aware of it, does that mean that I should be able to control it?”
    No. My experience tells me that all being aware can do is help to mange the symptoms. Trying to control it is like trying to stop a train with your bare hands. Impossible and very very messy.

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      • When I talk about trying to control it – I’m talking about trying to suppress or stop the hypomania from occurring. And what you find happens is that you end up more out of control than ever. Like the pressure buildup in a container that has no release valve and it ends up exploding.
        What I find more useful is to let myself have a little bit of the high – for example I know when I’m on the way up because I want to buy buy buy everything and anything. I know that if i try to deny it, and ignore it, I will crack and it will be a spending spree that will financially cripple me (this has happened too many times in the past).
        In particular I love buying arts and crafts stuff online. So I go to one of my favourite online stores and add everything I want to my shopping cart. Then I go through and keep the things I really really really want, and remove the stuff that can wait till next time I’m shopping.
        I keep going through the process of elimination from what could be $500 or more worth of stuff … to one or 2 items totalling $20 or so. I allow myself to buy those couple of things. But I can only do that once I have put into my cart all the things I see and want, and then eliminate. It takes a lot of discipline this way, but buying a couple of things satisfies the urge to spend, and it doesn’t break the bank and cause me to spiral into a depression.
        That’s just one example of what I mean – a more personal experience I suppose.

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      • I honestly don’t know how I would naturally be able to suppress the hypomania anyway. I feel worried because I had a very bad manic episode (which led to type 1 bipolar diagnosis) after a few months of hypomania. This was 4 years ago. I am being careful to not get into situations that will send me over the moon. I know from my past what situations are dangerous for me.

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      • I think that the best we can do is keep a close eye on our moods and our triggers. And try to avoid or reduce the impact of triggers.
        I try not to live in fear of the next big blowout, I just accept that it may or may not happen and take it each day at a time.

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  2. Hi there – I came across your blog on the Community Pool. I enjoyed your writing style. Your metaphors were beautiful – “the sudden absence of air and noise makes you feel porcelain and empty”. I could really imagine the feeling you were conveying. Your use of colors as feelings is powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

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