Getting my thoughts together has been hard this week. Yesterday I felt terribly depressed, and today I feel hypomanic. On both days, I have worn blue. Blue dress, blue sweater, blue leggings, blue coat, blue Keds. Actually, purple Keds and a purple hat. Dark blue has made me feel comfortable this week. “Melancholy” was the word moving through my head like crushed ice yesterday, but it didn’t cross my mind at all today. Today has been all senses and no words; not that I haven’t spoken quite a bit, but I hardly remember anything that I’ve said. I was nicely productive at work, but super chatty and animated. I had fatigued myself by the end of the day. I am so aware of the meaning behind my behavior while it’s happening. Since I am aware of it, does that mean that I should be able to control it?
Yesterday I felt like writing about my depression, but I couldn’t because…I was too depressed! That’s not where I am right now. Everything is music and colors and warm air. Being in a frigid studio-office all day certainly makes you appreciate the hazel feeling of warm air. I have a bit of an addiction to warm air, which includes an addiction to my blow dryer. My blow dryer is on my bed with me right now, and I have already used it three times since getting home. Turning the blow dryer off can be difficult sometimes, because the sudden absence of air and noise makes you feel porcelain and empty.
Thank God for hypomania. What would I be without all the music and colors and warm air?
I just love that the sun has pretty much disappeared by the time I am commuting home, so all the colors are glowing. The sky glows blue, and I don’t get irritated by the traffic because of all the glowing lights from the cars and stoplights. The green lights look beautiful, especially because they allow me to accelerate so that my car’s heat kicks in. I am conceptualizing a film that fixates on the particularly sinister & magical presence of green when it’s glowing. By the time I’ve made it down Grand and I’m about to turn onto Lindell Blvd, the stems of the streetlights glow blue all of a sudden.
Everything is illuminated in the most euphoric way.