Muggle Problems

sarah walking

That’s cartoon me. Taking a November walk. “Pas De Deux” from The Nutcracker is playing in my head. I guess it’s the part where the Sugar Plum Fairy and her Cavalier are dancing together, but I’m not sure. I sometimes wish that I had continued doing ballet; it’s really pretty, but I think I’d probably get bored watching a full ballet performance of The Nutcracker. Yep, the Christmas music is beginning for me, but at least you wouldn’t hear most of the songs from the Nutcracker Suite on popular radio stations. I just need to get my orchestra music fix. I was in orchestra for quite a few years when I was younger. If I ever have a daughter, should I encourage her to take ballet lessons or music lessons? I was always part of the music world, but I’ve heard that dancing is beneficial for one’s self-esteem and outlook on life. Music can be lonely sometimes, if you just sit down at a piano, or with a clarinet or cello or trombone…and practice for hours by yourself without moving. Music takes your mind all sorts of places, but maybe I would prefer for my hypothetical daughter to dance to it rather than play it. I think about these things because I don’t want my hypothetical daughter to develop the same problems that I did. I love what music did for me, and how it made me a writer and a filmmaker. I like that movement happens in my brain, but maybe I don’t want my hypothetical daughter to be stuck in her brain too much.

I’m reviewing my months of loneliness thus far to examine my internal state:

Second half of August: Would go to bed every day right after getting home from work at 5:30. Wasn’t eating because I had no appetite.

September: Started feeling a lot better. Made a list of things to help me get through the year. Decorated room. Bought new pet rats. Stumbled upon Oliver Reed via Ken Russell and became addicted.

October: Generally had a good month with lots of creative energy and feeling at peace with myself. Saw my boyfriend in Ohio for two days and he sort of broke the Oliver Reed spell. Reveled in my love of sweaters, leggings, and purple Keds.

November so far: Too much mental energy during the day. A bit aggressive. Falling asleep every night before I’ve had a chance to brush my teeth, wash my face, or even take off my bra. My brother always comes in to turn off my lights. I feel frustrated all the time. I can’t communicate exactly how I want to.

I just want to cram the galaxy into a little snow globe and then sit there and figure out what to do with all the things that keep blowing around in my brain.

I also need Floo Powder. Here’s a dialogue that I genuinely sometimes have with myself:

Self 1: There must be some simple, quick, inexpensive way that I can be with him and still get to work on time the next day…

Self 2: Floo Powder!

Self 1: Right!

Self 2: Okay let’s go!

Self 1: Wait…oh. -_-

Muggle problems. I do happen to have a really beautiful emerald fireplace.

I hate that I’m so afraid of people.

I am counting my blessings. For example, I keep spilling stuff on one of my new sweaters, and have already had to wash it three times. The blotches keep coming out. :)

3 thoughts on “Muggle Problems

  1. I did ballet and other forms of dance up until about 17, it totally didn’t help my esteem problems. In fact my first ballet teacher was instrumental in the development of my low self esteem. She was brutal. That said, with all the physical and psychological pain she inflicted on me, I still love classical ballet … to the point where I can’t watch a children’s ballet concert and not be distressed at all the things the kids are doing wrong. My teacher was extremely strict about the discipline – properly pointed toes, perfectly placed arms, hours an hours and hours of correct posture and placement. It was definitely over the top for children, but her outlook was teaching children to become professional ballerinas, not teaching ballet for fun and games. Not that I would ever have been a prima ballerina (or even chorus member) never quite had the grace it required!


    • Yikes, I hadn’t thought about all that. I guess a lot of the girls I know who are dancers seem to have very healthy self-esteems (not that I know them that well). Maybe they had a different experience or weren’t strictly involved in ballet. I can see how perfectionist ballet training would terribly damage one’s self esteem. In my head, I romanticize the whole idea of being a ballerina. Thank you for the comment.


      • Even after all my issues, I still romanticise the idea of being a ballerina!! They are so beautiful and graceful and perfectly fluid in their movements. I love ballet with all of my heart, even though my own personal experience was horrible.


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