The Anti-Loser

I wasn’t supposed to be without a job until AFTER the wedding. And not any definite point after the wedding, just—-after. And it’s not that I wanted to be unemployed, I just wanted to change up my life a bit, move on. The decision of when was not in my hands like I thought it was; I and three others were prematurely dismissed for financial reasons. The silver linings were immediately obvious to me. I have bipolar disorder–of course I have my handy dandy silver linings playbook. I was happy to be dismissed non-dramatically, with some severance. I was also somewhat happy to not have to make the decision for myself–this wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t burning bridges, only the head of the company had to feel guilty. Did I predict to not have control? No, but at least I didn’t lose control in a chaotic street race manner.

By coincidence, the Friday that I lost my job, my fiance’s mom and grandma came into town to stay with us in our apartment, which we had planned for. That meant entertaining guests the whole weekend rather than having the chance to mope. Anyone can imagine, it’s not ideal to be a host immediately after losing the job you’ve had for 3 solid years. But thank God for my ability to see silver linings immediately and display a positive attitude; we all had a fine silver linings weekend.

So then I got to applying for jobs, which hasn’t bore any fruit yet. My fiance’s good friend from his hometown traveled to stay with us for almost a week, which caused me to get out of the house and enjoy myself. Fiance had taken the days off, and conveniently I could now share in the days off. So, it felt much like summer vacation, it being July. So I was thankful for that hot hazy summer vacation feel, because I didn’t think I’d have it again.

The main thing I know right now is I just do NOT want a job where high schoolers are my coworkers. Even if those jobs are the easiest to get, I will not work with high schoolers. I’m applying to jobs related to my so-far career (marketing/video production/copy writing), but I’m also applying to hotel front desk jobs. I got a call this morning at 10 (which woke me up) from some manager at a Drury Inn. She asked me some questions and I thought she was about to offer me a job–cue tummy butterflies. But then the questions pivoted to the topic of “Why would you do this, with your background?” Well, I want to switch gears, do something social, people-oriented. She seemed to get it. But, “Do you see this as long-term or will you be looking for work in your field?” Fuck…I don’t know, umm……I–I… She asked if I saw this as a more-than-one-year-job…”Oh, at least a year,” I said. I wasn’t going to say “Forever…” Who could expect forever? But did she want a forever? The conversation concluded with her sounding suspicious of me. “On Monday, we’ll call the people we’re interested in.” Fuck, she wasn’t even interested in me yet? And here I thought I was about to head out the door to my first shift!

Over the past few days I’ve transitioned from silver linings girl to depressed randomly-crying girl. Super blah, feeling like shit about myself, feeling like college is a scam and you can make +40K/year with some sort of hospitality certificate or by becoming a manager of a fucking Starbucks. We go to college feeling we are special, we are interesting, we are destined for better than others, we are the anti-losers. I don’t feel like the anti-loser right now. I know I want something new, but now I’m afraid of dead-ends, regrets, and comparisons.

I will NOT work the same jobs as high schoolers. Over my dead Fro-Yo splattered body.

Structure for the Spirit

Hello mates, let’s see if I can get through writing a post for once. First off, I haven’t had any productive hypomania for months and months. It mostly gives me feelings of anxiety in my stomach, and involves not being … Continue reading

A Year of Being Down

Depression is in my brain. For a whole year I’ve been in a depression that is somewhat invisible and that I cannot rationalize a reason for. What changed that could have caused a year of depression? My hair color? My boyfriend (now fiancĂ©) moving in? Moving from my second floor room to a third floor room? Not being as obsessed with Oliver Reed films? I don’t think there is a true reason for it!

I don’t typically act depressed, I just am. I can’t even call it a bipolar depression spell or episode– it’s just a depression state. And it’s not called melancholy because there’s no romanticism in it, no beauty to go with the word.

The depression seems absent much of the time, yet it is always there. And I know it is there because of how my brain reacts when I want to find some magic in it. I know I have happiness down in my heart, but my brain has too much crud in it. Many people might not recognize that I am depressed, but it’s there in my brain telling me I’m not good enough. My brain makes me tired and weighs my spirit down.

So is this a good excuse for not writing like I love to do? I’ve been in a different place and I wish I knew why.